Adjusting to our "New Normal"

I can't imagine the tone of this posting to be all the pleasant because I feel myself sinking into the bitter and angry phase of the mourning process. We arrived home yesterday around 3, I can't tell you all how amazing it was to have my sweet little boy all mine again. I hate what this disease is doing to my time and relationship with him and it's only been a week. I hate seeing him so confused as to why Mommy needs to give CJ this juice NOW and why he can't eat "that" because it will make CJ jealous and it will cause her sugar to skyrocket. I'm sure sleep deprivation is making me that much more emotional and lacking the patience to offer Aiden the explanations and understanding he deserves. That being said he has been such an amazing big brother distracting Cara with tickles, giggles, and blowing raspberries while I check her. Still haven't allowed him to watch us give insulin since he is a very observant albeit sensitive little boy.

Eddie went back to work today and I had to handle my first low on my own ... 3 hours later my hands are still trembling. I hate that I even have to ride this roller coaster, I know being angry isn't going to solve anything but it sure does feel good right now. I hate that my poor little girl needs to go through this, this stuff happens to strangers on the internet, not my little girl. It all feels like a really good book that you just can't put down but you know that once you close that book it's all going to go away and reality will sink in ... well not this time. Coming home was probably one of the scariest parts of this whole situation, I did not feel even close to that nervous bringing either child home for the first time. The reality and responsibility is just terrifying. We were visited by a home nurse this morning who reassured us we are doing a great job but it wasn't the least bit consoling. Also had to go and order CJ's Medical Alert bracelet and was somewhat surprised to find myself on the verge of tears telling the jeweler what needed to be engraved. I know one day I will be able to speak the word "Diabetes" without sobbing in front of complete strangers but for now misery loves company so welcome to my pity party ...